Silas Update II 97 Days Old II Happy Due Date

40 Weeks Gestation (HAPPY DUE DATE BUDDY!)
14 Weeks Old.
6 lbs 6 oz.
2900 grams.

*Before reading this, I declare a trigger warning for anyone suffering with any death or hospital-related PTSD. Please discontinue reading this post if you are at risk.

As I sit here on your due date, watching you sleep, I am in absolute awe of you, this tiny beautiful miracle. You have been through so much. 97 days of steps forward, and steps back, so much joy and so many panicked tears, but it’s all brought us here to the day you’ve turned into a full term babe. You are 6 beautiful lbs of sweet, cuddly baby scents. You take my breathe away every day and no matter what mood I’m in, even on the hardest of days, I just can’t stay away. A mothers instinct is a truly unbelievable thing - it drives me to do everything I can for you. It wakes me up every 3 hrs in the middle of the night to pump, it has me drinking Mothers Milk tea, eating Mother Honey, and staying as healthy as possible so that my body can provide for you. I cry every day. Usually it’s tears of joy and disbelief that I’ve been so lucky to watch you grow and thrive. Sometimes, like yesterday, it is because my heart aches for all of the families I pass in the hall here in the NICU. To see other mothers whose babies have been freshly admitted, I can see it in their face, in their eyes. They are tattered, red-faced, their eyes glazed over and staring at the ground in despair. Many had no idea they would end up here, and have no clue how long they’ll be here, or if their sweet child will make it out alive. I know that feeling all too well and it is by far the worst most gut-wrenching heartbreak they’ll ever feel. Yesterday a baby a few rooms down coded, and shortly after, he passed away. I could hear his mother wailing, his father comforting this poor distraught mother. My therapist says I have PTSD and let me tell you what, that episode just completely broke me. I sat in our hospital room, listening powerless to this poor family, staring at you, feeling so incredibly guilty that we are healthy and well, but also equally grateful that you made it. We made it. That was almost us when you coded at 5 days old. You were not living for 20 whole minutes. But the doctors were able to save you, we won't leave unscathed and have lots of therapy in our future, but you survived. Thank God. The reality of the contrast of life and death becomes so stark and real in the NICU. Most days are mundane with tiny improvements, all equally miraculous. Then there’s a day like yesterday when dark, scary occurrences remind me to count our blessings, and send love to everyone - in the hallways, in the store, at the bank. Show empathy. Make eye contact. Give smiles to everyone. Because you don’t know what they’re going through, maybe their dog just passed away, maybe they just had a fight with their significant other, and maybe they have a baby in the NICU who is fighting for his life, but she’s just there at Fred Meyer to buy a jug of milk because her family needs to keep on keeping on. I’ve learned so much about life through this experience, and the one biggest thing that I get to take away from this is an immense amount of empathy, for humans, for moms, for families, for every being.

On a much brighter and lighter note, you are doing so great buddy. You graduated off your high-flow cannula respiratory support 4 days ago and rather than transition from high-flow to low-flow, we trailed you off respiratory support completely (it was my call, I’m a doctor now incase you didn’t get that memo) and you are doing great with no support! Your blood oxygen level has been consistently above 92, and actually closer to 100s. You still have a small dip in HR or Blood Oxygen here and there, but nothing too alarming. At this point the name of the game is to get you eating consistently. You are on a combination of breastfeeding when I’m around (typically 2 - 3 feeds a day), bottle feeding when I’m not around, and they’ll do a gavage (hanging) feeding to finish of what’s needed. You’re eating roughly 50 mls each feeding, 8 times a day every 3 hours. I’m producing a little under that but that’s OK. Our last round to bust you out of here will be for you to take all feedings in a bottle. That’s the LAST STEP!! Crazy to think about. No guarantees on how long it’ll take but you’re slowly taking more out of the bottle, so we feel good about bringing you home in the next month or so. But we'll see, it's still just one day at a time. So relax dude, you just keep growing and being the sweetest little thing on the planet. 

97 days ago vs. Today. Such growth!

Chunkmaster Flex in the building

Cannula free! Just a feeding tube!

Power to the swaddle

All of the chins showing up

So many snuggle selfies. <3 

Drake giving us life on our quote board.