Silas II 4 Months Old II Smiling, Laughing, Loving

4 Months Adjusted.
7 Months Old.
11 lbs 6.5 oz.
23" Long

Buddy, it's been a minute - we have been BUSY. Who knew so much could take place in a matter of 6 weeks? Also your mama has gone back to work (albeit from home), but this laptop is reserved for work and sadly your blog comes second - but I promise to get back on it!! But oh buddy look how far we've come! 6 weeks ago I was at a complete loss for what our future held in terms of your medical condition and what type of care you would need when I go back to work full-time given your oral aversion and dependency on your G-tube. I was lost and terrified at what might happen and how we could manage this pretty major challenge. You had such a strong oral aversion, the moment you even saw a bottle you would choke and gag - it was so scary. Per the advice of your speech therapist, dietician and physical therapist (all of whom we see on a weekly basis), we halted all oral/bottle feedings and went to 100% gravity (g-tube) feedings during the day. This was a major setback but one we took in stride as we fully understood the implications of continued oral feedings with a negative sensory experience - should it continue it could have resulted in refusal of food altogether, speech delays and other awful long term damage for years to come. We were terrified but were chugging along as we have this entire time. As such, in true Silas fashion, you were having NONE OF THAT business and apparently just wanted to take to things on your own time. The following is by far one of my most favorite stories to date, teaching us all a number of lessons:

a. your mama needs to not be so god damned rigid and should be reminded she can't control everything (this talking in the third person is getting really weird BTW, but I'll go with it bc I guess now I've set the precedent)
b. doctors (and therapists, and statistics, and medical studies) aren't always right
c. trust your gut (and your partners gut)
d. ...your daddy is sometimes (sometimes) right.

After our setback and switching to a full 2 weeks of 100% G-tube feedings (zero bottles), I had surrendered to the idea you would be fully on g-tube until you (hopefully) began eating solids - but even that was a long shot. One Saturday I went out to a good friends going away party and left you with your daddy for the first time. He was left with strict instructions to gravity-feed you for all feedings. A few hrs in I received a text from your daddy: "Your son just took half a bottle of milk". I was equal parts completely livid and impressed with that daddy of yours. How dare he?!? But also WHAT?!? I will forever be thankful for that bold move, because ever since he did that, you have worked your way up to 100% bottle feedings during the daytime and are LOVING IT. Thank God for your daddy because I guarantee I never would've had the courage to chance it. This is why I married that handsome dude, BTW. You've now gotten the hang of it and have had zero chokes, gags, or spit-ups. Your night feed is still on the continuous pump but that's fine, we'll be dealing with that for a while and that's just fine. All of this is a solid reminder for us to follow your lead, don't count you out, and listen to your cues. Also I guess I'll start listening to your daddy more...UGH. 

Even better news, as I've been super stressed about going back to work and agonizing over what to do about your care, the stars somehow aligned and we've landed in the best possible situation for you. Your amazing Auntie Amber (my sister in law) is going to watch you 3 days a week (and she is an amazing mama and you are so super lucky you'll get to be in her care), your Grandpa will take you each Thursday, and your daddy will be switching up his whole schedule so he can watch you every Friday. To say I am grateful is an understatement. My goal was to keep you in isolation through this cold/flu/RSV season as your sweet little immune system is so fragile, and I can't even tell you how happy I am that we've somehow managed to arrange care in a way that keeps you in isolation. We'll need to reevaluate this in May but for now your mamas heart is so full and finally at rest.

You are teaching me so many lessons I otherwise never would've had the opportunity to learn. This is a month of gratitude and boy am I grateful for you, your fighting spirit, our beautiful village of generous souls and our ability to roll with this beautiful life we've been given. Thank you for being my teacher and for giving me the strength to move forward when I struggle to do so. I love you more than you can imagine, little one. I am so so grateful you are here with us.

Silas II 2.5 Months Adjusted II Maternity Leave + L-I-V-I-N (Also, don't forget about SAWYER!)

5.3 Months Old
2.5 Months Adjusted.
10 lbs 4 oz.
Cute as hell.

OH HEY BUDDY! Man, you are teaching your family so many important lessons right now. Slow down, pay attention to the small stuff. Prioritize moments, not things. Give yourself a breather. Do I sound like a super cliche Instagram account? Probably, but it’s all relevant so I’m going to leave it here. 

This experience for your Mama has only very recently begun to feel like what would traditionally be experienced of a full-term babies mothers maternity leave. Your doctors appts have decreased to only once per week. You are starting to really wake up and express your opinions. You prefer not to be left alone. Your cries can be easily differentiated between hunger, pain or loneliness. Loneliness cues are those that most frequently determine how much you and I get done in a day and how much your mama sleeps at night. Our daily accomplishment bar is set very low. We'll take any combination of eating, drinking enough water, showering and/or going for a walk. None of this full, magical combination has happened for weeks and that’s perfectly ok. I’m very "Type A", like to get shit done, but I am reminded of my maternity leave with your older brother, and reminisce on how I learned to give myself some grace in these unbelievably beautiful, trying times. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. It’s real, it feels (mostly) normal and gives your mama some much needed (albeit exhausting) comfort. 

This phase of maternity leave is in stark contrast to the first few months of your existence, where my daily routine was to get up, shower and head to the hospital to engage with doctors and nurses and therapists and social workers and sometimes I even got to snuggle with you. When I think of this Summer to Fall seasonal transition, I welcome it with open arms. It marks a progression in both of our recoveries and I could not be more grateful. Grateful for your survival, your relentless fight, for the grace and time given to me from my work family and the patience I’ve learned to allow for my own emotional and mental recovery.

You are such a happy baby 80% of the time. Happiest when you have an empty tummy, sadly. We’ve shifted to 100% gastronomy tube (feeding tube) feedings, as you recently developed a pretty strong oral aversion in spite of your mamas best efforts and we don’t want to further exacerbate that condition - it could result in much longer term digestion and developmental speech delays. You’re still loving the pacifier and feeding snuggle time with mom, and choking/spit-ups have essentially ended, thank goodness. You coo and talk, you are so opinionated, we can tell by your range of voice and eye contact what you intend to get across. You don’t like to be alone, would rather be in the kitchen or living room with all the noise and action. You actually sleep better amongst the noise than you do in isolation with white noise. Who would’ve thought this would be the case with a 128 day NICU baby? You have a social nature, just like your daddy. 

Im back working again (from home) for a few reasons, it’s our teams busiest time of year so I feel it necessary to engage right now and my team (and clients) are willing to oblige. Also I simply love my job and miss it terribly (plus in a weird way it actual benefits my own mental wellbeing - BONUS!) . Conference calls are challenging but I’m able to address needs between feedings and thankfully have the best husband ever who can take care of you on days I need to be physically in the office. Some days it’s full time. Some days it’s part time. All I can say is I’m grateful for my team, my clients, and their patience and holy shit they’re smart. Thank you: you know who you are. 

Currently struggling with what to do for your day to day care when I go back to work full time physically end of Nov, maybe Dec. Nannies are expensive and out of my pay range (at least full time). In-home daycares would be my preference but with your immune system’s susceptibility to disease and infection I have trouble with this option as well. I trust in your daddy and my ability to make the best decision for you, it’s just taking a minute to wrap our heads around it.

You’re cute.
I love you with all my heart, which grows two sizes larger each day.
Thank you for snuggling with me constantly and showing us what you need. We are here and listening, sweet boy. 

ALSO, let us not forget your beautiful big brother! Hey Sawyer! We are so so proud of you for starting 2nd grade and CRUSHING IT. You are doing so well in school in reading and math, we are unbelievably proud of you. Also last weekend your daddy (and I) decided it was time for you to get to join him on his last weekend of bowhunting elk. This was your first time out hunting with dad and I could not be more proud of you both. You didn't catch anything (mama prefers the term "catch" to "kill"), but I guarantee a lifetime of memories were made. Good job to my first baby boy and his very patient, handsome, man of the woods daddy. You two melt my heart. 

After a full day back at work. Snuggles are the best reward!

Loving Gramma

Gifts for PSV NICU unit during September NICU Awareness Month,
hand spa bags to help the hands that healed my baby and our family

Loving Grandpa

twins?

LOVES his big brother! Also, this is his G-Tube for those curious

Big boys hunt, little boys and mama snuggle (missing them terribly)

Auntie Vanessa strikes again

Ready.

One of my most favorite photos of my most favorite hunter boys

Love love LOVE them!

Silas II 5 Months Old // 2 Months Adjusted II Smiling, Coo'ing, Making life the best.

I have no clue how old you are. This is the hardest question, it also cracks me up every single time someone asks.

5 Months old.
9 Weeks Adjusted.
10 lbs 2 oz.
Smiling and coo'ing and breaking hearts on the daily.

It really is the funniest thing when people ask how old you are. The first time someone out in the wild asked us how old you were, it was this sweet 14 year old girl in your optometrists office lobby, she said "oh he's so sweet and adorable, how old is he?". I was struck, I had no clue what the correct answer was. I smiled and began to describe how "that's a really great question!  Well actually you see he was born super early, but we're supposed to adhere to this adjusted age, so... blah blah blah". I saw I was losing her and recovered quickly and just said: 1 month. She seemed satisfied with that answer and went back to her headphones. Actually a pretty hilarious exchange but a good lesson for me - focus on adjusted age for everyone outside of our inner circle. It's just easier and requires less math and random conversation, which I generally avoid at all costs anyway.

Being at home has been both amazing and crazy challenging. You came home a month ago today. You are on a feeding tube (gastronomy tube), so that means we're trying to teach you to take full bottles during the day, and what you don't take, we gavage feed you the rest. At night you're on a feeding pump for 10 hours. One would think that 10 hours straight feeding would allow us to sleep through the night. NOPE. Your mama can't let it go, and you, Sir, are super social,  so we've got the Owlet monitor (which has never and will never go off, but I sleep better for those 20 min bursts we sleep, heh). But no dude, you just like company, so you keep us up every 3 hrs or so, just like a normal baby. It's refreshing and exhausting. We'll take it.

We struggle with whether to take you out in public or keep you quarantined in our germ-free home. We've rallied with a compromise. Be selective in outings, be upfront with our desire for no sickness, and your mama packs hospital grade Ava-Gard hand sanitizer everywhere we go (no shame).

We've had a few visitors. We appreciate those whose kids are sick and stay away ( thank you!!). We had a super sanitary BBQ and it was fun!!!

We're trying to be normal over here, even though none of this is natural or smooth. Ya just gotta roll with it, so here we go.

Auntie Amber and Cousin Lyla

Loving his Auntie Amber

First outing!! Uncle Cam and Sawyer really crushing the game here

Uncle of the YEAR

Grandma with her grandsons

So proud. So sweet. Making my heart melt!

UNCLE POM!!

First day of school Mommymosas. Brilliant.

Babies first visit to the bar

Sawyer's first day of 2nd Grade!!!!: Sept 4th, 2018

That gavage life

Dylan loving her sweet little cousin

*HAPPY PLACE*

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Uncle Cam

Can't even see him

So.So.So. Glad to get out of the house. 

Steph and Olivia

"Mommy, I want a little brother". Sorry @ StephanieEhui