One year ago...

Hopefully I’ll have something more eloquent and wise to share tomorrow, on your actual Birthday.

For now, I am finding myself looking back at where I was one year ago today, feeling introspective and thought I’d get it down on the blog (as I so rarely do these days).

One year ago right this second - In terrifying labor pain (at this exact time, the epidural had worn off at 8-9cm dilated and it was excruciating), completely clueless as to how much my life would change and excited, anxious and a bit nervous to become a first time mom. 

I had no clue what I was doing but something drove me forward.

It was in my gut – pun intended. I knew that everything had lead up to only this and I was so lucky to have been graced with this amazing opportunity to become a mother.

Your daddy and I would arrive at the hospital as a family of two and leave a family of three.

It’s true what they say – that your entire life, your whole world changes in one instant.

In that instant, I became a better person. A more loving wife, a more compassionate friend, a more helpful daughter and a more understanding friend.

From that moment forward, I would view the world through the eyes of a mother.

I feel others joys and pains in a deeper way, because those people are someone’s baby.

I want to make the world a better place for my baby, and his babies someday. Though my time is limited, they will keep going, and my heart will grow just the same.

There are no words for this unbelievable love – it’s true that you just don’t know…until you know.

Today I thought a lot about one year ago today and the truth is, it’s almost as if time didn’t exist before you came along.

Tomorrow, Feb 1^st, is your birthday.

Tonight I came home from a quick business trip to SF and couldn’t wait to be under one roof. I knew you’d be sleeping, I just wanted to know that we were both there and you were in the other room. I snuck in and sat there next to your crib, listening to you breathe. So peaceful, so sweet.

You’re all I need – it’s simply impossible to have a bad day, or a rough life with you around.

I love you buddy.

Happy Birthday tomorrow.  J

(pics to come) 

My favorite thing right now: you + books

You LOVE books.
My absolute favorite thing is when out of nowhere you run and snag a book you want to read, run toward me and crawl up into my lap.
I don't sit on the couch anymore (actually haven't for months) just so I'm open incase you feel like reading. It is really the sweetest thing - you clawing at my shirt collar, throwing a leg up for leverage, until we both remember that you're too big (and I'm too small) to seamlessly fall into my lap, at which point I cuddle you up, you lay your sweet head on my chest and we read. Yeah, heaven.
I've tried to snap a thousand pics of this - none capture that sweet feeling, but this is what it looks like.
(sorry for the grainy reverse-iPhone pics):

This will be short.
Famous last words.
Your mama was lucky enough to check one major to-do off of her bucket list this year.
She went to the Rose Bowl.
And not just any Rose Bowl - a Rose Bowl where her alma-mater was favored and the spread was +6 points, in our favor.
I will be honored should you choose to attend University of Oregon - it's an outstanding University. But of course I will support you, no matter your collegiate ambitions.
That said, as I sat in the stands, in what I truly expected to be a self-serving, isolated event, I watched these boys, play after play, win and lose. Regardless of the outcome, I thought to myself: 'What if I was his mother', and how damn proud I would be of any one of those players, regardless of the outcome.
In what seemed to be one amazing moment for me, it made me realize that from this point forward, no matter what, I will always view life through the eyes of a mother. I will always see joy and pain through a child's eyes, and I will watch as someones son or daughter fulfills their dreams, or falls just short of it.
I watched the Rose Bowl with butterflies in my stomach and adrenaline running through my veins. But what pulled at my heartstrings was not who won or lost - it was watching the eyes of those who prevailed and those who fell short.  I will always be someone's mother. I will forever be invested in his achievements. My heart will ache for his losses and my soul will celebrate his achievements.
Who knew that one simple Rose Bowl would open my eyes and my soul.

And also, GO DUCKS!

PS: WE WON, for the first time in 95 years. In the words of Ice Cube: I had to say: Today was a good day. 

Christmas

So many awesome things about this Christmas.
1. We actually hunted down the biggest and best Sizemore family Christmas tree that ever existed. It was a true 'Griswold' fashioned tree.
2. Our home was, for the very first time, our very own Christmas wonderland
3. My brand new baby boy got to meet Santa, for the first time, and he didn't even cry! Atta boy
4. I was able to share my #1 favorite sentimental Christmas moment with my very own mini-me, and it was even more special and magical than I anticipated
5. Christmas day with a baby, with his own stocking and his own gifts. It truly doesn't get any better.

What an amazing first Christmas as a family.
We did everything I needed. We got a tree, we decorated it TOGETHER, we sang songs, we played music, we opened stockings, and for my very first time, we actually had our first Christmas eve and Christmas morning in our own home, our own living room, it was truly the best yet.

Highlights:
- Tree hunting: had a questionable run-in with the Russian mafia tree farm; they didn't like my Lucy, so we moved on; found an amazing farm in the hills of Newberg, great help, amazing trees, your daddy did all the cutting - he deserves a medal (again)
- Decorating the tree: We had an 11 ft tree - this means we had to pull out the big ladders. Thank god for vaulted ceilings and a bitty boy who just wants to crawl up on every ladder.
- Christmas Eve: Sawyer's very first midnight mass. We're not super religious people, but there is something so spiritual and magical about a congregation full of believers, lighting that candle and singing 'Silent Night' - it gets me every time. Sawyer made it all the way to mass; no crying, the only issue was keeping him from laughing and singing - worse things have happened. :-)
- Christmas day: Wrapping and bows, stacking and love. So fun for everyone.

<3

Thanksgiving

Every year we go around the table and say what we're thankful for this year.

Every year your Grandma breaks down in tears for one reason or another. Over the last 4 years it's been because of the troops serving abroad who are without their families. God love her.

Over the last 4 years I've rolled my eyes, not because I don't appreciate our troops who give their lives each and every day for my freedom, but because my mother, your Grandma, sheds a tear at the drop of a hat. It's funny, really.

Last year, for the first time in history, I cried at Thanksgiving dinner. I was very prego with you, I blame the hormones.

This year, I didn't break down in hysterics, but I did get teary-eyed. And I didn't apologize for it. I was 100% justified in my sentiment. What am I thankful for? What an absolutely ridiculous question.

But for those who are wondering, here was my list (to the best of my memory) {let it be known that on the actual day of Thanks, I answered with something generic to the tune of 'I'm thankful for my baby', and passed, to avoid the blubbering tears that were certain to commence, but what I meant was...}.

I am thankful for this tiny human who has taught me how to love on an immense grand level.

I am thankful for a patient and loving husband who has proven he is here for the long haul

I am thankful for an insanely handome, charismatic and fun husband who gave me a little baby who is JUST LIKE HIM.

I am thankful for Sawyer Lee, who has grown my heart x1000 - who knew that the word 'love' could ever feel like this? It feels like my heart has been given steroids and has literally grown 2x its size. 

How could I ever have lived the rest of my life without feeling this joy? I couldn't have. And had I, it would have been such a shame.

Thanks

Sawyer's first Spode dinner

Reset.

Before I catch up on Thanksgiving and Christmas posts (oops), I'll talk about today.
You can see based on my last post that we've had a tough go of it. You, teething with a cold and adapting to a new school. Me, insanely busy at work, working too late to get home in time to see you and recovering from yet another crazy cold you've gifted me.
I am lucky enough to have a 3-day weekend, and dare I say I deserve it.
This morning we woke up at 7am, as usual. I put on some tea, you had your breakfast, and we just hung out. Watched cartoons, read books, played blocks, drank tea, caught up. It was so refreshing and completely reenergizing. Today, you were back to your normal self. A bit more cuddly than normal, but you'll never hear me complain about that.
The cutest thing? You still cross your legs like you did in the womb and as a newborn. so adorable.
Here's to our reset button. Thanks for putting me back in check, buddy. Mama needed it.

Heartbreak Hotel

It’s fascinating the different versions of heartbreak that pass through your life.

I remember being 15 when my first “real” boyfriend broke up with me – my world ended, there was no reason to keep on living, this was heartbreak defined.  At the time I could not possibly see through to the light at the end of my teenage drama tunnel.  There have been a handful of life-changing moments that I can honestly qualify as heartbreaking. The past week or so has now been added to that list of moments, or…times.

It is truly amazing the power and accountability that a mother inherits when she has a child.  You are coming up on a year old and a lot of changes have taken place in the last few week:
 -   You had your last day at your baby daycare – the place where you had been since 3 months old. And you’ve graduated to a seemingly more structured, big boy school. At the end of the day, you don’t know these new teachers and you are trying your best to adjust to this new school, structure, schedule and teachers. It’s rough, but you’re doing OK, all things considered.

-         -    In addition, you have a nasty cold (and you’ve been kind enough to share it with me, thanks bud)

-         -   AND you’re teething the big teeth

-          -   AND I’m pretty sure you’re going through another growth spurt. Yowza.

All of this results in a sad, weepy, clingy little guy – which is SO unlike the dude we know: happy go lucky, super social, fearless, sweet and charismatic. You are so fussy and upset, and it is absolutely breaking my heart in a way I never knew possible. In a small way, I’m flattered. All you want in the entire world right now is for ME to hold you, walk you, talk to you, read to you.  Knowing this is completely, utterly heartbreaking because I can’t be with you every moment of every day – even though my gut in my gut tells me I should be there right now and nowhere else.  It feels completely unnatural to drop you off at a (for now) strangers house, go spend 12+ hours away from you, and come home barely in time to kiss you and put you to bed. The only, bitty thing getting me by is knowing that I am working toward a brighter future for you – but still, that doesn’t calm this wild heart I have for you right this second.

So, talk about redefining heartbreak, here we are.

I know this week will pass, and hopefully next week you’ll feel better, but until then you can rest assured that my social calendar is cleared, I’ll be working only from 8p – 5a when you’re sleeping, and I am counting the seconds until I get to see you again. You are my priority, dude. In so many ways.

Miss you, bud.

This working mama business is tough, tough work.

Here’s to getting through this.