Heartbreak Hotel

It’s fascinating the different versions of heartbreak that pass through your life.

I remember being 15 when my first “real” boyfriend broke up with me – my world ended, there was no reason to keep on living, this was heartbreak defined.  At the time I could not possibly see through to the light at the end of my teenage drama tunnel.  There have been a handful of life-changing moments that I can honestly qualify as heartbreaking. The past week or so has now been added to that list of moments, or…times.

It is truly amazing the power and accountability that a mother inherits when she has a child.  You are coming up on a year old and a lot of changes have taken place in the last few week:
 -   You had your last day at your baby daycare – the place where you had been since 3 months old. And you’ve graduated to a seemingly more structured, big boy school. At the end of the day, you don’t know these new teachers and you are trying your best to adjust to this new school, structure, schedule and teachers. It’s rough, but you’re doing OK, all things considered.

-         -    In addition, you have a nasty cold (and you’ve been kind enough to share it with me, thanks bud)

-         -   AND you’re teething the big teeth

-          -   AND I’m pretty sure you’re going through another growth spurt. Yowza.

All of this results in a sad, weepy, clingy little guy – which is SO unlike the dude we know: happy go lucky, super social, fearless, sweet and charismatic. You are so fussy and upset, and it is absolutely breaking my heart in a way I never knew possible. In a small way, I’m flattered. All you want in the entire world right now is for ME to hold you, walk you, talk to you, read to you.  Knowing this is completely, utterly heartbreaking because I can’t be with you every moment of every day – even though my gut in my gut tells me I should be there right now and nowhere else.  It feels completely unnatural to drop you off at a (for now) strangers house, go spend 12+ hours away from you, and come home barely in time to kiss you and put you to bed. The only, bitty thing getting me by is knowing that I am working toward a brighter future for you – but still, that doesn’t calm this wild heart I have for you right this second.

So, talk about redefining heartbreak, here we are.

I know this week will pass, and hopefully next week you’ll feel better, but until then you can rest assured that my social calendar is cleared, I’ll be working only from 8p – 5a when you’re sleeping, and I am counting the seconds until I get to see you again. You are my priority, dude. In so many ways.

Miss you, bud.

This working mama business is tough, tough work.

Here’s to getting through this.