There are a few things people don't tell you when you're about to become a mama for the first time. Many of these things I think are better left for self discovery (why spoil the fun). One element I certainly didn't understand, nor could I fully grasp the concept of without experience, was this idea that once you become a mother, that is your job, first and foremost before anything else. In sickness and in health, whether it's convenient or not, you are #1 a mother and #2 an individual. Right, wrong or indifferent, you are that baby's #1 go-to, frequently at his choice (sorry fellas). It shames me to confess that there have been times I loathed being "the one", sometimes I'm just too tired or in my case right now, too sick to consider taking care of another little person. But as a mother, you do, and you really don't think twice about it until after the fact. It's humbling really, to act on instinct and put aside your own needs in favor of his. You forget about what it is you thought you needed in the moment and instead focus all of your energy on this other tiny person. It's gratifying what it can do to your self-awareness too, as you reinvest energy into someone else - someone who is a natural extension of yourself. Pretty cool how good it truly feels to refocus energy on what matters. It makes you realize how little we really need, and what's important.
Case in point:
For whatever reason, the last 4 days you've been waking around 530am. You typically go to bed between 7-8p and awake around 7-8a. like clockwork. Guess you thought we were bored, because now you stroll right on into our room at 5.30.A.M. The last two days, I've been pretty dang sick, really not feeling well, like, really unwell. This morning, you strolled on into our room, threw your babies (bears) onto my head, and crawled up into our king sized bed, naturally on my side which is conveniently located closest to the door. I groaned as I came to, realizing that I'm still sick (I'm pretty impatient when it comes to this sick business), I tried pulling you into bed and getting you to go back to sleep. That's funny. We don't sleep together, so no, you didn't go back to sleep. "Mama, get up!". As I'm covered in your 6 stuffed animals, your sweet demand melts my heart. I don't want to wake up but I do, because who else will? And, well, you asked me to. We cruise out into the living room and I don't feel one bit of guilt as I turn on your favorite monster truck movie.
The lights were off (it was still dark outside), I grabbed a blanket and pillow and asked you to come sit with me. You happily obliged, and brought rabbit with you. In this moment, I forgot about how much I despised having to wake up so early, especially while sick as a dog, I forgot about my resentment for being pulled out of my warm comfy bed 2 whole hours before I had to wake up for work. I was sitting on the couch in the darkness with this little guy who only wanted me. After all, he is just barely getting over being sick himself, and he wanted his mommy to get up and watch monster trucks with him - is there anything more flattering than this? No.
How bizarre and humbling. I thought about how I am reminded of this over and over. It's not about what I want or need, it hasn't been for a while, this is about you now. God love ya, you're too little to understand what's going on when mommy's sick. and you shouldn't have to. None of this is about me anymore, and though in the moment, it's a tough thing to get, it quickly becomes the most rewarding, fulfilling and truly humbling feeling ever.
So what am I thankful for today? In my stupid ridiculous sickness, as I was feeling so sorry for myself for having to wake up so early while I was sick, I saw the light and became thankful that these motherly instincts allow me to take a deep breathe and refocus, and be humble and OK with the fact that I'm the one responsible for this little guy, and it's the best job in the universe. Thanks for keeping me humble and for the little reminders.
No, you're not supposed to be able to see this pic, because it's so, so early.
