Happy FOUR Week Birthday, Silas Wilson Sizemore!!

As we’re still sorting out the right words for your birth story, I didn’t want to let todays milestone go by without putting down some thoughts. Today you are 4 weeks old. 28 days old. 30 weeks and 1 day gestation. What an absolutely wild roller coaster ride it has been so far. I’m going to keep these notes to you really honest. Because I owe it to you and I owe it to this process. We are pretty emotionally raw right now, I can’t imagine being able to write to you in any other way. I was driven to write to you today because if I’m being really honest, this last week was the first week that I started to truly believe and accept that you are here to stay - with us, in our lives, forever, or at least for as long as you are meant to. It’s a weird, bizarre, out-of-body feeling to welcome a baby into this world and not know how long this sweet babe will stay. What do you say to someone who just welcomed a baby into this world so far before he was due to arrive? "Congratulations?” That feels trite and premature. “I’m so sorry?” We are talking about a sweet baby boy, whose entry into this world, no matter how early or short, would never ever merit an apology. This dilemma helps me sympathize with our friends and family who I’m positive have struggled with how best to support our newly expanded family of 4 - we see you, every one of you. We have felt all of the emotions - from pure joy to being absolutely terrified, and everything - and I do mean EVERY thing - in between. We share the same dilemma as everyone around us: how do we act? Are we happy? Are we sad? Are we scared? The answer is yes. Yes to it all, all of it, and that’s OK.


The guilt that’s been gnawing at your mama is that I want you to feel the same joy and love and happiness that your big brother was showered in when he entered into this world. I want you to feel my happy cry when I got to hold you on my chest right when you were first born, I want you to receive the early day-old blog posts of my utter and complete love obsession with you, I want to proudly post on social media that our sweet little bundle has arrived, most importantly, I want you to feel loved and cherished and acknowledged as the special little soul that you are, right from the day you are born. The truth is, your story will be different, but very uniquely yours. Your quick, unexpected charge into this world was anything but sweet, I'll be honest. It was a little less of a sweet, beautiful whisper from your mama “oh hi sweet baby boy” like it was for your brother, and more of a pained, terrified, no holds barred scream “OHHHHH FUCCKKKKKKKK, NOOOOOO!!!”. It’s taken us time to really wrap our heads around this unexpected little bundle, but I wanted to take this day to say welcome, my sweet baby boy. I’m sorry that it’s taken us (me?) a little longer to get my sea legs and put down in words just how happy we are to see you, and have you in our family. It's all true though, our love for you. It's been in our hearts since day one, it has just taken us a while to find our voice, the words, and our courage.

Sunday, May 6th.
4 Weeks old.
28 Days old.
30 weeks, 1 day gestation.
Feels like both a lifetime, and one run-on day in the NICU.
I can summarize your mommy’s emotions each week pretty quickly:
Week 1: Shock and awe. Disbelief. Not understanding what has just happened. Make-believe. Uncertainty. The unknown. Very much a dream state. We’ll be FINE! (right?)
Week 2: This is my new routine. Ok, I can do this. Feeling strong, put together, I can totally deal. Actually in survival mode. Pushing all emotions aside and dealing with it like the freakin BOSS that I am.
Week 3: Total mental breakdown. Already been here in the NICU for too long. And we have how far to go? How am I going to do this? Thank God for Sawyer, and Scuba, and sleep, and wine.
Week 4: Acceptance (I think? maybe? hopefully!). Settling in. Allowing myself to feel everything, bask in the raw, soft, fragile emotions that swirl around me and strike at any moment. I will stop apologizing for the occasional 24-hr sleep binge (obv still waking every 3 hrs to pump), or the spontaneous crying outburst at the Fred Meyer check-out. Allow all of the love in, feel it, embrace it, accept the vulnerability that is this experience. (HUGE credit to the book The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times by Pema Chodron…highly recommend).
PS - I’m sure that I’ll read this in another month, 6 months, year, and laugh and how I thought this week was the week I reached acceptance. Alas, it’s what I think…now. hah.


Buddy, already you have given us such a gift. You’ve given me a gift. Your mama is a strong, stoic, emotionally unavailable, very proud and controlled human. I open up to very few. Not many of even my closest friends have actually seen my cry in YEARS. Even your daddy doesn’t see me crack very often at all. And here I am, open, vulnerable, crying in front of strangers (and then quickly removing myself from the situation), and leaning on those closest to me when I need a shoulder (even if it is just via text msg). It’s true that your daddy is still my person and one of the only whom I truly open up to in that way, but that sphere is expanding, because it has to if I’m going to survive - and that is just one of many gifts and lessons you’ve taught me. Be vulnerable. Accept each feeling and emotion as it sits. Bathe in it, sit on it, it is OK to not be strong all the god damn time. But as I think more about what all of this means, the emotions that I cannot control and am physically unable to push down and away, this raw, intense, overwhelming movement in my soul could mean only one thing: That I just love you so, SO HARD, my love. I spent the first week or two protecting myself from acknowledging how hard I loved you. You were born very sick, each day was a new challenge, and I was silently taking it all in, trying not to waver, but still pretending it was possible to hold back (lying to myself). And then it happened. One day I will never forget: Monday, April 23rd, you were 15 days old. You were finally well enough for me to hold you skin to skin on my chest for the very first time, and in that moment, all bets were off dude. I couldn’t hold back any longer. You were mine, and I was (and am) yours, so happy you are here and your sweet soft skin and tiny little body and those beautiful little breaths and tiny noises and micro-preemie hands and fingers and feet and tiny toes, they are all absolute perfection and everything you, everything we, were always meant to be here for.

So I’m sorry it took a minute, but please make no mistake. We love you with all of our hearts, me, your daddy and your big brother. You have the STRONGEST most amazing army of friends and family who are thinking and praying and meditating and sending good positive healing vibes our way. We will thrive and we will all grow in awesomely new different ways thanks to you, our wonderful, beautiful sweet baby boy. 

We love you so, so much, babe.

*This Magic Moment*
Monday, April 23rd

Silas Update II 26 Days Old

Little guy has been steadily gaining weight throughout the week, proudly boasting a weight of 2 lbs 3 oz (990 gs). Now that his infection is gone and his body can focus on forward progress and growth, he’s really crushing it out there. He’s also earned a solid reputation for being a super pooper and super burper (daddy couldn’t be more proud), having 2x strong regular poops a day at the same times each day (normally preemies need assistance getting this moving), and (newly) strong lungs that are able to projectile burp and barf, spewing milk all the way up to the ceiling of his isolette. Nice work, big boy! Also big this week was getting to hear his little baby cries and OH MAN MY HEART!! This guy is not a fan of his CPAP nose prongs and he wants to tell everyone about it. The past few weeks I have wanted so bad just to hear my baby cry and it was just the best (video below).

We got a solid amount of good news today…
His heart: He had another echocardiogram done this morning to see if the medication he’s been on since Monday has been effective (and to see if we can delay surgery a bit longer) and it seems his PDA has decreased in size from “advanced” to “moderate”. Hey, we’ll take it! That medication protocol was up today, so the doc is going to extend the ibuprofen through Monday and we’ll re-scan then. The doc has warned that surgery is likely inevitable, but ideally we’d like to wait to operate until he weighs a little more and could better support his own recovery. Goal is to get him up to 1500-1800 gs before we have to think about surgery.
His feedings: His baseline nutrition has been via TPN, an artificial nutrition given via a PICC IV line in his arm, and then they’ve been supplementing with breastmilk to prime his intestine and get it working well. He’s been doing great with his feedings, advancing a bit more each day, having gone from 6mls on Monday up to 17 mls today (Yowza). The good news is that since he’s tolerating his feedings and gaining weight, the doctors are discontinuing TPN and putting him on 100% of my milk moving forward. This is best for him as it will help him grow the quickest, and TPN is also harder on his liver, which we’re trying to watch anyway. So, he’s getting bigger and stronger and hopefully we’re about to see him continue on his slow and steady improvement to health. We’ve been warned that some babies respond negatively to the lack of TPN in the first day or two after it’s discontinued, so we’ll work on being patient over the weekend as we look to next week for his body to regulate.

Moving forward: Monday will be another big day of a full panel of test results, another echo and another brain scan. In the meantime, we’ll just keep chugging on the snuggling.

Oh, and if you know a NICU nurse, please call them or text them and tell them we said thank you for everything they do every day to keep these tiny humans rocking. These nurses are literal angels on Earth. 

Silas Update II 22 Days Old

Today our sweet little man is 22 days old. Yesterday for his 3 week birthday he worked his way back up to his birth weight of 1 lb 14 oz (840 grams). Overnight he gained even more weight and as of today is officially TWO WHOLE POUNDS (915g)! YES! Little man has been on a winning streak the past 4 days and has had 4 of the most stable days he’s seen in his life. Stability to us means he’s had very few SATs (blood oxygen level desaturation, which causes his heart rate to plummet) he’s been able to advance on his feedings each day, and is progressing on his breathing.

He’s up to 6 mls of breastmilk a day, which is the most he’s eaten ever. Milk is best for ensuring his intestines keep working and don’t shut down, which all preemies are at risk of. As of today at noon he’s officially breathing 100% on his own (YES!!!), leaning on a CPAP for pressure support for his lungs. This of course scares mom and dad quite a bit bc the last time he was on CPAP it didn’t work out too well and he had to be intubated for the 3rd time, which he did not enjoy. But all fingers and toes are crossed over here.

Here are the biggest things we’re watching right now…

His Heart: He still has the PDA (an underdeveloped hole between his left and right ventricles), which is starting to act up and impact other organs now (blood in his lungs, irregular heartbeat leads to difficulty breathing). He had an echocardiogram done and it showed that the hole had NOT gotten bigger, which is good news. Ultimately he either needs to have heart surgery, or there’s a protocol of medication (tylenol and advil) we can try to help close up or decrease the size of the hole. We’re weary of using the medication bc it can negatively impact his liver, and he already has early signs of liver failure that we’re monitoring. In the end the doc decided to try the medication first and we’ll monitor his liver very closely - if we start to see his liver take a nosedive we’ll need to reassess. We really want to avoid heart surgery if we can. We’re doing a lot of what the docs call “risk-benefit assessments” these days, in understanding the risk vs. benefits of various treatment plans as it relates to his overall well-being.

His Liver: Silas has early warning signs of a condition called Cholestasis which eventually leads to liver failure. This started to come up a week or so ago. The good news is his tests today look like his condition is improving, so as he progresses and becomes healthier we hope his liver goes right along with him. Unfortunately this condition means he cannot take many of the medications he needs to fix other things wrong with him.

His Brain: He had another brain ultrasound today and it’s good news (well, it’s not bad news, which is good news. hah). Last week we were pretty devastated by his diagnosis of a Grade 3 IVH (intraventricular hemorrhage), at this point we just monitor the condition and hope the swelling doesn’t increase, and that his hydrocephalus (fluid in his brain) stays minimal. This week he's stable, with no new bleeds and no advancement of any fluid buildup (which means that for now we can avoid having a reservoir or shunt put in to drain the fluid). This weeks neurologist actually downgraded his condition to a Grade 2 and said it never should’ve been a 3. Is this a competition? It’s becoming clear that brain grading is very subjective depending on the doctor so we’re just going to call it a floating 2.5 and move on. Brain news for the next few weeks will be minimal, there’s lots that these weekly ultrasounds don’t measure, all they really help us do is understand what could be. It’s hard not knowing what the future holds, but I can tell you we fall more and more in love with this strong little boy every day so whatever will be, we’re game.

Next Steps: Mostly waiting and seeing. Doctor says the most important thing we can do is continue to pump out that breastmilk and do as much skin-to-skin (Kangaroo care) as possible. I always knew skin to skin was therapeutic for bonding and milk production but the doctor really stressed today how much it will also impact Silas’ overall brain and physiological health and growth. Apparently for preemies skin to skin is a simulation of being back in the womb, so babies respond and grow that much quicker during those times because their bodies react . Right now the goal is to do skin to skin for a minimum of 3 hrs a day, and even more if possible. If you know me, you know I CRUSH GOALS IN MY SLEEP so bring it, Silas, let's snuggle, my man.

December Dailies: #6

Guess what? Yesterday was busy. I didn't take any pictures. So we're skipping it altogether. Sorry not sorry. In your words: "It's Christmas, we can do whatever we want!".

Today. WHAT. A. DAY.
Busy. Needed a release. Did a double at spin class today. 7am. 5:30pm. SUCH RELIEF. It's what I imagine church feels like to religious people.  After my 2nd workout of the day I came home and together we cooked a delicious dinner of baked chicken, broccoli and wild rice. You helped me unload and then load dishwasher. You're FIVE yrs old! What the what? So helpful, so focused, all-in on everything you do. So cool.

I'm finding myself in conflict as I make an effort to spend less time on my phone and more time in the moment, so I didn't take any photos of you tonight. But I do have photos of some pretty cute stuff you've been writing lately, so I'll leave those here.

**Your Naughty & Nice List**

<translation: "Sawyer's naughty and nice list. Naughty: Mom, Sawyer, Grandma. Nice: Dad, Grandpa, Cam and Allie>

**Your Christmas Wish List **

<translation: "I want a plane for Christmas. A toy plane. A remote control plane with wheels. Dusty from Planes. I love you Santa. Sawyer">



**Another Christmas Wish List that we'll be sharing with Santa TOMORROW!!!**

<translation: "Sawyers Christmas List. 1. Remote Control Car. 2. Stuffed Collie (our elf on the shelf). 3. I want to be invisible. 4. I want a (didn't finish, but this was going to be a chores robot for mommy - no joke). >

December Dailies #4

What a magical day today was.
We put up our magical tree and decorated it and recounted all of the memories associated with each and every ornament.
Your daddy went INSANE and put up lights all over the house. All it took was one comment from a neighbor upon walking by: "We look forward to your lights every year!" they exclaimed. And it was fuel to his Christmas spirit fire.
I also got a wild hair and decided to slow cook mulled wine for the first time ever. Holy moly! Talk about holiday warmth goodness. Add in a fire in the fireplace next to a freshly lit tree and stocking hung with care? I could die a happy woman tomorrow.
This life.
This family.
This home.

Words can't describe my happiness right now.

December Dailies #3

So we have this friend.
He is one of the best humans on the Planet. His name is JUSTIN TIMM.
He has a farm. A Christmas tree farm that also happens to house llamas, emus, goats, BABY GOATS, chickens, roosters, and even A FREAKIN CAMEL.
We could not be more proud of our friend and are so grateful that visiting this farm has become one of our most favorite family traditions.
(sadly, Sawyer had a "shy" moment upon meeting "Santa", so we didn't get a shot of Justin dressed as Santa, but know that he was most certainly there!)

December Dailies: #2

We got this new christmas light fixture that's supposed to go outside on the side of the house, but for the LIFE OF US we can't get it out there. This thing is too much fun to have inside.

December Dailies. 2016. Day 1!!!!

Oh hi there! Remember me? Yeah me neither. Instead of pretending like I'm going to blog regularly and apologize for my 4 year blog sabbatical, I'm just going to leave these here.
This year was ROUGH guys. Lots of ups and downs. More downs than ups. But those ups are what saved us. We are one strong squad and this year proved I wouldn't want to mess with us.
So in honor of our strength, courage and bond, I bring you December dailies. One or more pics of you or us that demonstrates the good in our family and in the world.
Thank you baby boy for reminding me why I'm here. All day every day.

DAY #1 ::


your lovely and amazingly talented Grandma resurrected a childhood favorite of mine: the advent calendar. She made it from scratch and even put your photo in the middle. Special for you...ALWAYS. she is so thoughtful and generous. So today on Dec 1st, you got to open box #1. It was so fun, you were so excited and curious if what the box may contain. 3 unique $1 gold coins. It may as well have been Christmas.
Here's a few...

Summer is here!

Ok, the official day isn't until tomorrow, but when the temp exceeds 80, WE'RE GONNA CALL IT SUMMER!

You love it.
You love the sunshine, the flip flops, the watermelon, and SWIMMING in any body of water, you don't discriminate.
Also, any opportunity to get naked, you'll take it.

You're a DAREDEVIL in the water. Since the day you were born you've been a natural fish. Baths as an infant never bothered you. Getting you out of the bathtub has always been a negotiation. and in the pool, as soon as you could walk, you were jumping in doing cannonballs.  Your pool tricks are out of this world - you have a thousand different jumps, and names for these jumps. You can swim all the way across Aunt Lori's pool - it's insane! "Mom watch this!" A natural entertainer

summer lovin.

"backwards cannonball"

May!

of course, I wrote this a month ago while on a flight from JFK --> PDX, but here it is, posted a month later!

.....

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve updated your blog. 

I’m sorry buddy. 

The last few months have been ba-nah-nas! May itself has been insane - gone every weekend, from NY to LA to SF to PDX. It’s been tough as work got super crazy and I’ve had to shirk mommy responsibilities for a bit. Lots of business travel and late nights at the office make me feel horrible – I absolutely HATE being away from you. Hate it. Thankfully, your dad is the coolest and he Facetimes me when he can so I can see your sweet face. 

Good news is: I can see the light at the end of the tunnel – in just 2 more weeks, I get my life back and I cannot wait. (editors note: it was 4 weeks, not 2).

Flying back from a week in NYC this week and I just miss you so much, my tummy aches. I’m coming straight to your school and taking you out of there and we’re going to go to the park. 

You, buddy, are so fun right now. 3 might be my favorite age so far. 

You’re so thoughtful and expressive. 

You are such a social butterfly. Watching you play with the other kids on the playground is my favorite thing ever. You’re generous and caring, always looking out for other kids. You’re a natural born leader but in the kindest way. You LOVE girls, and chasing them around the playground. Girls LOVE you. When it’s time to leave the playground, you just can’t quite understand why some kids don’t reciprocate when you go to give them a love (hug) and a kiss. As many times as we try to tell you, you naturally just want to kiss and hug every.single.kid. So, who am I to stop you? (but really, the kissing thing is a little weird).

Last weekend on a super rainy Saturday I took you to the Fun Center and then we went to your very first MOVIE! In the theater!  You thought that was “so cool”. We saw Rio 2. We got popcorn and I let you pick out whatever candy you wanted. Amongst all the junk you had to choose from, you selected a big bag of fruit snacks. That’s my boy. In between trailers, you would shout “What’s next mama?”. Then when the movie started, every few minutes you just looked in awe at the screen and kept saying “woooowwwwwww”. It was the best day, just me and my guy. 

Another recent favorite thing? FROZEN!!!!! You and I could literally watch this movie a gazillion times. It never gets old. Saturday nights are our special night together and we love snuggling up in mommy’s bed and watching this adorable movie. You know all the songs, the characters names, the city names. It’s wild. And awesome. 

And then there was Mother’s Day. Also known as the best day ever. I love the idea that there is a day special for mommy’s. It’s about love and appreciation but to me, it’s about taking a day to reflect on how incredibly lucky I am to be your mommy. I thank God every day that He gave me you – it changed my life and it’s been the most rewarding experience. For Mother’s Day we went to brunch (my favorite meal of the day) at Hayden’s lakefront grill. From there your daddy took you home and went and picked up your Grandma for mani/pedis and mimosas, such a nice treat. We capped off our day with a special home-cooked meal: Grandpa’s fresh scallop alfredo – YUM! Super fun day. You got mommy a shirt with my favorite rapper: Notorious BIG. You are so thoughtful bud. Thanks for the best day in the world. 

Thank you for filling my heart with so much love. I am the luckiest girl in the world. 

Watching Frozen, per usual

sleeping angel

3D Movie at Grandpa's

Painting Tree Rounds just like his daddy

Ditched work to take this dude to the ZOO - best decision ever

Cheesin on Easter

The things he says...

"Chocolate milk is my NEEEEEW favorite!"

"Where's my kiss?" - when he wants a kiss or hug (which he calls a "love", sounds like WUV, like the rest of my family)

"I wish I had a __________" - the way he asks for toys/treats he knows he can't have, and then he gets them

"Can I way witchu, mama?" (can I lay with you) - I can never, ever say no. such a sucker.

Are you gonna be a good boy, Sawyer? "Yes, see, I'm a good boy!" (flashes those pearly whites)

and the things he mispronounces are pretty darn cute - you'll never catch me correcting him.
Hewicopter = Helicopter
bubbows = Bubbles
Scuba Driver = scuba diver
"Cheezus!" = "Jesus" (Mimicking mommy...oops, guess I'd better chill on that reaction)

Links to Love

I read a lot of really cheesy mommy blogs.

I also read a lot of interesting, poignant and inspiring articles across the web. 

I don't post them on Facebook for fear that people will find out I'm super sentimental. 

But I don't want to lose them. 

So, here's a list of my favorites lately:

"It’s in not worrying so much about the laundry and instead just letting that go and being thankful for a family to do laundry for."
http://findingjoy.net/why-being-mom-is-enough/

"Let her eat all of the Halloween candy in one sitting. When she's puking Kit-Kats, ask her if she wants another one."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susannah-lewis/three-is-the-new-two_b_4505898.html

"4. Don’t pull strings. Some kids get a rude awakening when they get a job and realize that the rules actually do apply to them. They have to come on time and do what the boss wants. And, (gasp!) part of the job they don’t even like. If you don’t like your child’s teacher, science partner, position on the soccer field or placement of the bus stop, avoid the temptation to make a stink or pull strings until he gets his preference. You are robbing your child of the chance to make the best of a difficult situation. Dealing with less-than-ideal circumstance is something she will have to do most of her adult life. If children never learn to handle it, you’re setting them up for failure."

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865590425/How-and-why-to-be-the-meanest-mom-in-the-world.html?pg=all

December Dailies: Day 31!!

I took so few photos on NYE this year - so unlike me!
We went to Uncle Jasons house to party down with all of your cousins and friends. Pretty awesome time. We are so thankful for them.
Here's you, operating your new remote control helicopter like a boss. The box said it is for ages 13+. Clearly they haven't met you.

 

December Dailies: Day 30

Tonight your mama got inspired to make a new lasagna recipe and we had an impromptu dinner party. Your favorite cousins Jackson and Maverick came over with uncle higgy, and uncle Dustin and aunt Kati came by too! It reminded me how much I love a house full of laughter and joy. You are surrounded by so much love and support - I am thankful for this close family of friends we have here. They adore you, and the feeling is mutual. Here they are reading your bedtime story (favorites are Little Blue Truck and Goodnight Construction Site). 

December Dailies: Day 29

Today mommy got to go to brunch with Aunt Lori for her bday. It was Deeeelish!! I came home to find that daddy setup the construction work bench you got for Xmas and BOY are you a fan. You keep wanting to build tables and chairs, and drill and hammer things. It's pretty adorbs. 

Also these two cuddling in front of the fire. Too much!